Planning Spontaneity

An Open Letter to Ashley James Fort

Dear Ashley,

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been nearly a whole year. It literally seems like yesterday that I took that dreadful call at work, telling me you’d been taken from us. This whole year has flown by, it’s had good times and it’s had heart-breakingly low times. We’ve all struggled with everything, and I put my grief on hold to focus on mum. She’s doing ok by the way, she has good days and bad days, and there will always be a gaping whole in her heart where you’ve left. We all look after her, and one day she’ll get there Ashley. Her brain’s turned to mush and she can’t remember a thing but she’s still our mum, the one who always has done everything for us.

It’s been an eventful year. There’s been deaths, births, long periods of grief, break-ups, dates and lots of wedding planning. Sam had baby Logan who is absolutely beautiful! He’s definitely going to be a a heartbreaker when he’s older! Kelv and Kirsty are still planning the wedding and everyone’s getting more excited! I moved back home with mum after breaking up with Adam, and couldn’t be happier for it. Nana misses you every single day, and is getting to that age now where she’s starting to get more forgetful, but she’ll never let us forget that you were always her favourite!  

I know we weren’t as close as we should have been, and that’s a thing that I will never be able to cope with, and will always be a burden on my heart. They say time heals things - I really don’t believe this. I do believe however it teaches us lessons, and enables us to cope better with things. Somedays I will see you walking along the street, buying something in a shop or just sitting in a pub. Several times I’ve actually had to pull my car over and convince myself that it’s not actually you. 

I haven’t been able to grieve yet Ash, and I won’t even allow myself to cry. I really don’t know why I do it, but I just can’t allow myself to grieve as then it feels like I’ll forget about you. Mum’s trying to get me to see a grief counsellor, but I don’t think it will help. I’ll get there in my own time, and it will be when I’m ready, not when a booklet tells me I should. Christmas was hard, as was your birthday without you. I’m dreading your anniversary as things like that really bring it home, and make it real again. I promise you i’ll never forget you, even in 75 years time when I’m all old and wrinkly. 

I’m going to wrap it up here Ash, I know I’ve probably already bored you. I really hope Grandad is looking after you - or is it the other way around?! I know you’re free of all the pain now Ashley, and finally have that peace that you couldn’t quite grasp down here. I visit you most weeks and like to just sit and chat - giving you all the boring details of my mundane life. I love you so very much, and you always will have a special place in my heart.

All my love, 

Jade.